Sometimes I sit (or in this case, lay) and wonder. That sounds like a very vague and broad statement, but it sort of is, for reasons unexplainable to me. For the life of me, I sometimes don't understand why there is such a need for me to look so deep into things, to dig so deep that when i'm finally done, I've possibly dug myself into a deeper hole than the situation or problem in and of itself has called for. And sometimes after all that digging, I'm still left with no solution, no answer, nothing left to say but "why"?
With such a want and need to constantly write about things, even to this day, I am constantly vague when it comes to people, places and things (I guess the nouns) in my life. I've now come to the realization, that in most cases, I am really nothing but literal talk. I talk about being outspoken, bold and well, a lot of things, but even that is all just words when it is all said and done. And it's basically impossible for words to mean anything when all the words thought aren't words said, even when words may hurt someone.
Reading that quote yesterday about doing drunk what you'd do sober because it'll teach you to keep your mouth shut, definetly rang a bell in my head. Because it has come to the point where, only while being drunk would I even dare CONSIDER saying and admitting some of the things that are prevalent in my normal, everyday life. And even then, at my drunkest moment, I am always fearful of the possible repercutions of my words. Not because they will hurt select people, but because they will more than likely, in turn hurt me due to reaction of said words.
All my life (or at least for a good portion), I've always known that I was different. Yes, of course, everyone is different, but in most cases not so different that they are looked at as lesser of a person for being so...different. Everything from my short stature to my obvious inabilities to do seemingly simple things most people take for granted and everything in between, affects me in my everyday life. And it would be undeniably naive of me to think that people don't see it, notice it, question it, because I know I do it myself. But even those things are only a grain of sand in the beach that is me. That is not to say that other things that make me "different" are any less or more important than that, in fact, nothing about me is more or less important than anything else, but with one thing specifically, unless you were told, you'd have no idea. Maybe it is better that way, but sometimes (like now) I feel like that is me, being me half-assed. By outward apperance, I am different enough, and to willingly make it known I am more different than what is seen outwardly, could possibly be friendship suicide, and there mere thought of that alone just kills me.
I don't know why I wrote this or why I am posting it, I guess I just figure that I need to vaguely get a couple things off my chest.
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